Summertime, and the livin\u2019 is easy. At least that\u2019s what the song says.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s time for big events like summer travel and family reunions. It\u2019s also time for unrealistic expectations and unfortunate (and perhaps inevitable) conflicts with loved ones.<\/p>\n
The pattern is almost as old as we are. When we\u2019re kids, we get excited \u2013 sometimes irrationally so \u2013 about big events like heading off to camp, taking a family trip, or going to a friend\u2019s awesome birthday party. We build that event up so much in our minds. How perfect it\u2019s going to be. How great we\u2019re going to feel. How cool it will be to tell all our friends about it.<\/p>\n
By the time we get to the event, there\u2019s no way that it can possibly live up to our ridiculously high expectations. Not only that, but there\u2019s often that one kid or parent who says or does something that sets our teeth on edge (best case) or starts a fight (worst case).<\/p>\n
In the end, we\u2019re crushed and disappointed.<\/p>\n
Luckily, as adults our minds are more disciplined. We can manage our expectations more effectively and engage in tactics to avoid or diffuse conflict.<\/p>\n
First, though, let\u2019s talk about our feelings.<\/p>\n
Summer vacations and family events get us out of our day-to-day lives. That\u2019s great, but it sometimes makes us more vulnerable to emotions.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen we travel, our comfort zone is compromised,\u201d Friedemann Schaub, an MD and author of The Fear + Anxiety Solution<\/i><\/a>. <\/i>\u201cAs we get older, we have our touchstones, and leaving those behind is stressful. We worry more.\u201d<\/p>\n When we\u2019re on the road or with family in our homes or elsewhere, the rhythm of day changes, too. \u201cWe\u2019re getting out of our routines,\u201d he explains. \u201cPeople may be messing around with how we like to have things. Our way of doing things is changed. There\u2019s less peace and quiet.\u201d<\/p>\n All these scenarios can create stress, anxiety and frustration. And left unchecked those feelings negatively impact us and the people around us.<\/p>\n \u201cWe may close down or withdraw, become more judgmental and negative, or we may lash out more,\u201d Schaub notes. These reactions can hurt our friends and family, or make them worry about us. \u201cIt can be misinterpreted as \u2018she doesn\u2019t like to be here\u2019 or \u2018he\u2019s not enjoying being with us\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n When we\u2019re traveling or celebrating with a partner who has cognitive issues, there are additional considerations.<\/p>\n \u201cOur advice is to be very judicious in the activities that you choose to attend with any seniors that may have dementia or other types of cognitive impairment,\u201d counsels Andrew Dubler, managing partner of Home to Stay<\/a>, Cherry Hill, NJ. \u201cIt can be very difficult for an older adult with cognitive impairment to keep up socially. This can lead to added stress and pressure, which in turn will exacerbate their impairments.\u201d<\/p>\n Understanding the feelings that may come up for us and our loved ones helps us deal with and diffuse emotions so they don\u2019t take away from the good times.<\/p>\n Even us grown-ups have to work to manage our expectations.<\/p>\n \u201cWe can\u2019t stop focusing on the idea that these big events need to be memorable and bring everyone closer,\u201d Schaub, explains. \u201cWherever family comes together, there\u2019s the illusion of making it a really special time. That expectation is too high.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s a good idea to go into a family event or travel opportunity expecting things to go well. After all, that sets the intention and kick starts the \u201cpower of positive thinking\u201d.<\/p>\n Nobody\u2019s suggesting you lower expectations or expect the worst.<\/p>\n \u201cJust avoid \u2018magical thinking\u2019,\u201d Schaub advises.<\/p>\n Magical thinking encompasses a lot of behaviors, like being superstitious or believing something we know, in the rational parts of our brains, is silly.<\/p>\n Research<\/a> by Jane Risen, an associate professor at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, shows that even though we may recognize that what we\u2019re thinking doesn\u2019t make sense or is unrealistic, we still believe it. And we still let it drive our thoughts and emotions.<\/p>\n What to do about that? When we find ourselves getting a little too giddy about an upcoming summer event, or fantasizing about every last detail, we need to reset. Same if there are unexpected changes in the middle of our family picnic<\/a> or trip to Machu Picchu.<\/p>\n \u201cThe older we get, the more we\u2019re used to having it our way,\u201d Schaub notes. \u201cWe have less flexibility and more rigidity. And we’re less likely to roll with punches.\u201d It\u2019s natural, but it\u2019s not helpful.<\/p>\n Instead of getting mad or frustrated, get mindful. Take a breath, then:<\/p>\n \u201cWe need to put our expectations aside [and] approach things with a greater sense of appreciation,\u201d Schaub says. \u201cPlan for diffusing energy and not putting too much on the plate. Take time outs to give everyone a breather. Prepare for what\u2019s real, not for what you wish.\u201d<\/p>\n Conflict, even among loving family and friends, is inevitable. Hot weather, close quarters and high expectations make flare-ups more likely.<\/p>\n \u201cEveryone\u2019s on their best behavior at the beginning,\u201d Schaub laughs, \u201cbut that\u2019s not natural.\u201d At some point, the kid gloves come off.<\/p>\n Sometimes the conflict is superficial; other times it\u2019s deeper. Either way, dealing with it is better than letting if fester.<\/p>\n For small conflicts \u2013 like jostling with your travel companion for the armrest or feeling frustrated by how long he takes to get ready \u2013 close your eyes, take a deep breath and let the emotion pass. Still a little chapped? Ask for the result you want:<\/p>\n When it\u2019s a more serious issue with our offspring, Schaub says job one is accepting that our children are grownups \u2013 even when they may not be acting like it. \u201cMaybe they\u2019re spoiling their children rotten or still not dressing for breakfast after all these years \u2013 we have get away from being the parent,\u201d Schaub says.<\/p>\n Decide if the issue is really something worth getting upset about. If not, let it go. Life\u2019s too short, right?<\/p>\n If it\u2019s serious or truly important to you, don\u2019t address it in the heat of the moment, Schaub recommends. \u201cDiffuse it, change the topic, then address the conflict later when it\u2019s quiet, one on one. Do not<\/i> involve the entire family so it becomes a whole scene.\u201d<\/p>\n One effective way to avoid conflict in the first place is to \u201cknow your buttons and the ones you\u2019ve installed on your kids,\u201d Schaub notes. \u201cPreemptively plan how you want to act differently. Don\u2019t get triggered or trigger others.\u201d<\/p>\n Even under ideal conditions with loving family and friends, conflict does arise. Changing the way we look at it can help us deal with it effectively.<\/p>\n Rather than seeing conflict as something bad, Schaub challenges us to see if as a healing opportunity.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s an invitation to communicate and get closer to each other,\u201d Schaub notes. \u201cWhen we resolve conflicts, we understand each other better. And we may even address things that may have been lingering for decades.\u201d<\/p>\n When the stress of managing expectations and conflict gets too high, get moving<\/a> \u2013 and I don\u2019t mean packing your stuff and going home.<\/p>\n \u201cIf we can keep moving, it keeps us in a positive mood and allows us to connect with others as well as ourselves,\u201d explains Erica Hornthal, founder and principal of\u00a0Chicago Dance Therapy<\/a>. \u201cMovement keeps us in our bodies which enhances our connection to the present moment. We can practice deep diaphragm breathing to signal the \u2018rest and digest\u2019 response as opposed to the \u2018flight or fight\u2019 response.\u00a0Moving releases endorphins and enhances the emotional feel good response.\u201d<\/p>\n Use these insights to help you keep your expectations and emotions in check this summer so, as the song goes, you\u2019ll rise up singing.<\/p>\n Summertime was written by DuBose Heyward and Ira Gerswhin<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Managing Expectations Around Summer Events<\/h2>\n
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Managing Family Conflicts<\/h2>\n
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Reducing Stress<\/h2>\n